


Broken

by grayscale



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-28
Updated: 2012-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-06 03:52:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/414403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayscale/pseuds/grayscale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over the years, Kira has become broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> For [britkit27](http://britkit27.livejournal.com), who I hope will like this, since we're sometimes secret twins. 
> 
> **Warning!** This fic contains dubious consent, bullying, and emotional manipulation! If any of this is triggering to you, please be forewarned.

Kira doesn't know when this happened to him. It seems like only yesterday that he and Abarai and Hinamori were in school together, sure of only bright things on the horizon. It seems like only yesterday when they were receiving their diplomas and their fifth division uniforms, ready to being a strong new career. It seems like only yesterday and yet somehow, it's been years, decades, really (ten and twenty start to melt together, anymore, and who can keep track?)

He remembers like it was yesterday, anyway, being young and eager and innocent; he remembers being naive enough to think that life was fair and hard work earned its reward. He remembers now being so stupid as not to notice when Abarai began to fall behind them, and he remembers being genuinely pleased when Hinamori began to get special attention from Aizen-taichou himself. he remembers, too, that Ichimaru-(at the time)-fukutaichou wouldn't have been bothered to give him the time of day, but this he writes off as having a bad memory and the fact that it was ten or twenty years ago. He remembers being happy (they do say that innocence is bliss, after all), and maybe, just maybe, on the worst of days, he might wish to go back to the that way of life. 

But he knows now, ten or twenty years older and wiser, that while he might have been happy, he was also stupid, so, so stupid. He learned this the hard way when, in an abrupt turn of events, he and Abarai and Hinamori were separated physically just about as far as they had drifted internally since their entrance into the Gotei Thirteen. Abarai, without warning, stopped showing up to work, and Kira was beginning to worry when they were informed (years ago, he would have known, Abarai would have told him) that Abarai had been transferred to the eleventh division, and then, after that, it was practically only days before Kira received notice that the fourth division was drastically short of hands and that Kira would be transferred (temporarily, he was assured) to make up for the lack of men. Only for a couple of years, maybe less, they told him, and so Kira, despite his hesitance to leave Hinamori behind, came into his new position with a positive attitude and all the self assurance he could muster. 

As it turned out, it was only around a year and a half that he was needed in the fourth division, but that was more than enough time to break him. Spending all day tending to the injured and the dying wasn't particularly pleasant, but that, on its own, Kira could face. But somehow, in his youthful naivete, his stupidity, really, he had failed to realize that the fourth division was, in most Shinigami's opinions, the dregs of the Gotei Thirteen, only worth attention if it was as the butt of some cruel practical joke. Certainly, the Shinigami in the infirmary respected Unohana-taichou, not because she had saved their lives, but rather because she was frightening, and the nurses were constantly subject to heckling and harassment. The fourth division members on the field and in the offices, too, were more often than not bullied by others, especially those of the eleventh division ( _Abarai's_ eleventh division), and Kira found himself left with more scrapes and bruises at the end of the day than when he actually faced hollows on a nightly basis. The fact that he was receiving more injury from people who were supposed to be his allies than from the enemy, the fact that he could be so despised by the companions of a (former?) friend was what really tore him up inside, what really broke him, in the end. 

That year and a half was probably the longest year and a half of his life, and despite the assurances of the higher ups, he was beginning to lose faith in any light at the end tunnel when, one day, he arrived at work to find none other than Ichimaru-(now)-taichou perched upon his desk, a wolfish grin spread across his face. "'Morning," he greeted, the words slipping off his tongue in that transfixing drawl that made Kira shiver, even then, and that was the beginning of the end. 

If Kira had to pick one moment at which he became what he is now, he's fairly certain he could pinpoint it to sometime during that first meeting. Of course, it wasn't a first meeting, really, not when he worked under Ichimaru-taichou only a few years previous, but there's something about that memory that stands out in Kira's mind. Perhaps it's the fact that Ichimaru-taichou had never spared him a second glance in the past, because in this meeting, it was certainly not the way it had been a short year and a half ago. Sitting on Kira's desk and grinning as if he owned the world, Kira could practically feel Ichimaru-taichou's eyes boring into him, despite the fact that they always appeared as if they were shut, and there was just something about his presence that made Kira feel tense and cold and as if something in his stomach was coiling up tight and threatening to suffocate him. 

It was (and still is) a terrifying sensation, but despite that, Kira was suddenly whisked from the depths of hell and back into the world of the living with a shiny, brand-new title and badge to make up for his struggle; as lieutenant of the third division, he's now treated with more respect than even before he was transferred. It should be wonderful, and he wants desperately to forget every one of his experiences with the fourth division, but it seems something in him is changed; something in him really is broken, and he can't look at work, at the Gotei Thirteen the way he used to. Where he was once confident, he is now timid, where he was once self-assured, he is now self-deprecating, where he was once naive, he is now jaded. But how could he possibly be expected to see the good in other when, for the past year and a half, he was only subjected to the bad? How could he possibly be expected to have confidence in himself when, for the past year and a half he was told that he was more worthless than dirt? How could he be expected to fearlessly face an enemy when, for the past year and a half he had been shown over and over and over again that he couldn't even trust those who were supposed to be his allies? 

It breaks Kira's heart to know just how broken he is inside, but his trials and tribulations seem to bring great amusement to Ichimaru-taichou, who grins and giggles and appears to take a great deal of pleasure in intentionally making Kira squirm. _It's because yer cute,_ he informs Kira with some regularity, and Kira never fails to blush, a reaction he doesn't even understand himself. After the duress of over a year of heckling and harassment, he doesn't understand why Ichimaru-taichou's teasing doesn't get under his skin, but for some inexplicable reason, it only seems to draw him in, to strengthen in him the (completely irrational) feeling that Ichimaru-taichou is the one who saved him from his life of torment and misery. 

And on top of it all, Ichimaru-taichou seems to take a personal interest in him, as well. With some regularity, he asks after various aspects of Kira's life; how was his weekend ( _fine, thank you_ ), how are his friends doing ( _well, thank you_ , if he has a girlfriend yet ( _no!_ , a little too fast and always accompanied by the fullest of blushes). He complements Kira on his successes and teases him about his failures, a practice which seems like it ought to be unpleasant, but there's something about the way that Ichimaru-taichou does it that it doesn't feel like a criticism, but something else entirely, something completely unrelated to work at all, though Kira isn't quite sure to what it _is_ related. And then there's the little things Ichimaru-taichou says, seemingly off-handedly, things like _ya really oughta have more self-confidence, Izuru,_ and _ya know, yer actually really pretty, Izuru,_ and _sometimes I could just eat ya up, Izuru_ and, oh god, it makes Kira so uncomfortable, and yet he can't bring himself to push it away, he can't make himself not want it. It's like something twisted and tangled and knotted to his insides _enjoys_ the torture that it ought to be, and no matter how hard he tries to fight that something, it grows inside of him to the point that he's waking up in the night with Ichimaru-taichou's name on his lips and squeezing his eyes shut as he pretends it's not his own hand slipping between his legs beneath the covers. It's wrong, it's all so _wrong_ , and yet somehow, faster than it took him to break the first time, something in him changes again, only this time, it's like a slow warping under pressure, a growth of scar tissue to fix what was torn open the first time. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism, or perhaps it's some kind of infectious disease, seeping in through all of his pores from constant exposure to something terribly poisonous, but whatever it is, Kira can't help but give himself over to it, just like he can't help but give in when, a few years down the line, Ichimaru-taichou shoves him against his desk and pins him down like a predator to its prey devours him totally and completely, in every way imaginable. 

It hurts the first time, oh god, it hurts, but Kira does not complain. It hurts, but there's something sick inside of him that almost _likes_ the pain, and so he clings to Ichimaru-taichou with his arms and his legs with his nails digging into his superior's back as if he might pull away show Kira let go, and he cries into Ichimaru-taichou's shoulder as Ichimaru-taichou invades his body again and again and again. He bleeds the first time, and a little bit the second time, too, but it stops after that, and his body learns to give and stretch and bend in ways he didn't know were possible to accommodate Ichimaru-taichou's whims, just as Kira learns to whimper and keen and beg like a good subordinate should. Perhaps it ought to be humiliating (and it _is_ , really, though somehow, this in and of itself makes Kira _want_ all the more, something about which he doesn't care to think too hard), perhaps Kira ought to be ashamed when he finds himself on his knees beneath his captain's desk in the middle of the work day, or when, in the wee hours of the morning, he obediently poses for photographs that he'll later have to beg his captain not to show to anyone, but when Ichimaru-taichou tells him he's _good_ , he's _pretty _, he's _perfect _, it makes up for anything, everything. To hear Ichimaru-taichou praise him, Kira will do anything, will be anything, and in the end, it's so, so worth it.____

And so, Kira doesn't really know how this happened to him, doesn't know when he turned into what he is now, but it doesn't really matter. At Ichimaru-taichou's command, he'll bend, he'll cry, he'll swallow, he'll beg, and when Ichimaru-taichou replies, in that drawl that still makes his insides knot, _yer_ such _a good boy, Izuru_ , it makes everything worth it.


End file.
